Top Tips: Finding Romance Whilst Adventuring
by Deatrice Unibon, Gentlefolk Adventurer

Dearest Gentlefolk, we’ve all been there. Midway through a dungeon jaunt, thigh deep in shiny loot, steamy monster ichor and dead henchmen, the thought strikes you: there must be more to the adventuring life than this. Or: my goodness, doesn’t the barbarian look oddly attractive in that magically-lit blood mist, with embers of rage still lending a primal spark to their eyes. So here are some of my favorite tips to guide you through that most perilous of adventures: romance!

Dirty talk is for the unwashed
Keep your banter flirty, not dirty. Filthy talk is unbecoming of proper Gentlefolk, and should not be touched with a ten foot pole. Leave the talk of weapon thrusts, laying on hands and being impaled by tightly gripped spear shafts to the bawdy commoners, lest you sound like some slovenly trull. Let poetry and fine wit be the flint and tinder to inflame the passions. If these aren’t your forte, find a bard to assist you; preferably one with a large nose.

Enchantment? Enchantment!
Romance has its share of dangers. If you (or more likely someone close to you) feel that your paramour is an unlikely match, or your feelings for them seem strangely sudden, have yourself checked for enchantments regularly by a licensed diviner. Also be alert for the use of magical enhancements (technically transmutation magic) by your prospective partners. While some minor spells may be harmless, a full polymorph can cause quite a fright the next morning, as can many illusions. More than one lithe wood spirit might prove to be just a rotund gnome with a bad potion habit and hair in all the wrong places.

Hide (from) the helpless
Don’t fall for beautiful but helpless people or those of poor circumstance. They’re no use to you, and they’re just begging to be captured by villains to be used against you. The same goes for children. If your romance ends up creating little heirs, don’t tell anyone. Not your friends, not the fates, no-one. Send a little note to the gods if you must, to be opened in 1D6+15 years, detailing all the intensive survival training your progeny has surely undertaken in that time.

You deserve someone useful
Pair yourself with someone of substance. Nobility, preferably, or at the very least someone who’s difficult to capture, or has a host of other people whose responsibility it is to rescue them. Ideally, they should have enough talent to rescue you, too, should you be the target of kidnapping or similar naughtiness. Find someone sturdy, or even better, a spell-slinger with invisibility, passwall and teleportation magics. If you have trouble wooing them away from their studies, invite them to practice inscribing protective tattoos on you or something. Show them your favorite mole. If they make a joke about how it looks like their mole familiar, titter daintily rather than taking offense.

Romancing alone
Perhaps you had a heavy hand influencing the fates when creating your image, and you’re drawn more to your own reflection than the faces of others which might, at times, seem oddly ill-defined. If you truly love to embrace your inner narcissist, then you might consider hiring a powerful wizard to craft a simulacrum. But love it gently, as too much rough stuff will send it back to the laboratory for expensive (and embarrassing) repair, or worst case, reduce your mirror lover to a melting pile of snow. Shudder! Good luck reaping any benefits from your next eight hour rest after that happens.

Happy adventuring, Dearest Gentlefolk!